Picks 'n Pops: Leading scorers, Mazzulla impressions, and free home runs

Every week I gather some thoughts about the Celtics, the NBA, and beyond and dump them here. Because my long con to become the new Cracker Barrel logo went way off the rails.

- An anonymous league executive told Steve Bulpett “I bet you (Anfernee Simons is) their leading scorer … Even with Jaylen. He’s going to have the ball a lot, and that dude can really score. That offense is going to have to change to accommodate him, and, on the last year of his contract, he’s going to let it fly.”

I’ll take that bet. 

I understand the sentiment, but there's no way in hell Jaylen Brown is going to allow that to happen. Everything will flow through him this season. The Celtics' offense won’t change to accommodate Simons. He’s going to have to prove that he can join a new team and be a part of that offense. 

The Celtics are under no obligation to center anything around Simons and his goals. Yes, they're looking to maximize his value in a trade, but they're not looking for equal value. They can dump him and save money and be fine. 

Simons has the most to lose. He’s the one who has to make concessions. 

- There's still a good chance he’s traded before the season starts. The Jonathan Kuminga and Josh Giddey situations have to be resolved, and the free agency of Malik Beasley is still in play, so there could be a big flurry of moves before the season begins. I’m still not sold Simons will be a Celtic on opening night.

- Kristaps Porziņģis didn’t look good in his EuroBasket opener. A couple more games like the 10 points on 3-12 shooting he put up against Turkey and I’m going to start wondering if the Celtics got out at the right time. 

- Maybe it’s because I’m just not used to this look, but Jayson Tatum with braids looks like he’s doing bad Drake cosplay. 

- Rajon Rondo has apparently found a second career in flag football. 

Somehow the news is out there that Rondo is the #1 ranked QB in all of flag football, but I don’t see an official ranking anywhere. Someone just said it, and it’s being accepted as truth. Kind of like how I’ve been ranked the #1 lover among all sports writers. 

I think we can all agree that's probably true, so there's no need to even look for the rankings. Everyone should just accept it and move forward with this new fact. 

- Welcome to town, Tommy DeVito. Boston Sports has now become so Italian that the next team promotion will be free garlic bread as you wait for the game to start. 

- Jaylen Brown met “fake Jaylen,” the guy who also has braids and a beard and walks around in Jaylen Brown gear, this week. 

I’ve always thought this guy looked more like Al Jefferson. 

- Young Jaylen looks a little like Tiger Woods. 

- Veronica Burton, formerly of the Connecticut Sun and daughter of WBZ’s Steve Burton, is playing the best basketball of her life. She’s going to run away with the WNBA’s Most Improved Player award and she might make an all-league team. 

- The Las Vegas Aces have won 12 straight games to go from a .500 team to the second-best winning percentage in the league. That's the equivalent of a 22-game winning streak in the NBA. 

- Dawn Staley interviewed for the New York Knicks job. No offense to Mike Brown, but I would have rather seen Staley get the job. There are a lot of qualified women currently serving as assistants, but someone needs to be first to get a head coaching job. I think Staley has not only proven to be a great coach, she’s tough enough to handle being first. 

- Nikola Jokic’s logo should be a defender throwing his arm up at a pass that has already been caught and shot by the guy he's supposed to be defending. Like the guy in this video. 

Jokic leads the world in getting guys to say “What the hell was that?” as the ball flies by them. 

- People worry a lot about guys getting hurt in these international competitions, but Max Strus just broke his foot during a normal workout that no one saw and he’s out 3-4 months. These things can happen at any time, especially because guys are expected to come into camp in mid-season shape. 

I honestly miss the days when guys came into camp a little soft and played themselves into shape. That's what camp was for. Anyone who does that now will be called fat and lazy and traded to the Lakers. 

- Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are engaged. I can finally believe in love again. 

- What is happening to Dallas sports fans right now is the type of misfortune that led ancient civilizations to try human sacrifices to appease the gods. 

- I need to see these Patriots “Rivalries” jerseys on the field because the pictures make them look like the Colts. 

- There are some pretty good Joe Mazzulla impressions out there this week. 

Arch Manning is talking about red dots. 

And Golden State Valkyries head coach Natalie Nakase, who has been mentored by Mazzulla, pulled this gem right from Joe’s playbook. 

Did you know Mazzulla was just ranked the #1 cultural icon among all sports coaches? 

- Speaking of cultural icons in sports, I think it’s sad to see what Sports Illustrated has become. I loved my SI subscription as a kid. Now it’s clickbait trash. 

- Four home runs in a game is a lot of fun, so congrats to Kyle Schwarber for putting on a show. I think baseball should invoke a punch card rule. If you hit four in a game, if the distance traveled adds up to enough, you get a fifth one free. 

So Schwarber’s pops went for 450, 383, 378, and 407. That's 1618 feet of home runs. Citizens Bank Park is 330 down the right field line. Four of those equals 1320 feet for a difference of 298 feet. If he’d gotten 32 more feet of distance, then Schwarber would have 50 homers instead of 49. 

This is kind of innovation that makes it very clear why I’m a basketball-only guy. 

- Today’s AI-generated image: Going all-out to welcome Tommy DeVito to Foxboro by replacing the lighthouse. 

AI apparently thinks the Patriots signed a bunch of Russian guys. 

- Portugal plays Serbia at 2:15, so I’m not sure how much longer this will apply, but I’m going to say Neemias Queta’s 23 & 18 to open Portugal’s EuroBasket tournament … and give them their first EuroBasket win since 2007 … qualifies him for having the Best Week Ever!

- Here’s my latest podcast, if you’re bored.