I have finally figured the Celtics out. I know who they are, their path, and their potential.
They are … Lone Starr!
Yeah … The guy from Spaceballs.
Hear me out.
Lone Starr is a somewhat bumbling version of Han Solo, a hero whose motivations are in question.
The Celtics have been a somewhat bumbling version of a contender, and their players' motivations have been in question.
Lone Starr is constantly getting himself in trouble, but also finding his way out of trouble, mostly in the most absurd circumstances. When he finally get the training he needs, he loses the most important thing to him … the thing that he felt he needed all along.
The Celtics … well, you get it.
And while I hope this all serves as an amusing premise for a story about a team that has driven many of us crazy, the hope is the Celtics and Lone Starr have the same turning point.
That's right. I went all this way with a labored movie analogy to say the Celtics have it within themselves to get over the hump. Let’s see Bob Ryan do THAT.
Yes, the Shwartz is in the Celtics as well. They don’t need any more outside help. And their former coach? Forget him. He’s bupkis.
Honestly, Ime Udoka bailed on the Celtics when he did what he did and it’s time to treat it as such. He had the choice between pursuing an inappropriate workplace relationship and his team, and he didn’t choose his team. Udoka chose his ego over his players.
So toss that ring in the trash. The Celtics don’t need it. The things they need are already on that floor and in the locker room.
One of the prevailing question themes in this week’s Q&A was about what the Celtics need to add to become a championship team, and the answer was always the same.
They don’t need to add anything.
Maybe these guys have been looking around a little too much for help. Every time something doesn’t work, there's a discussion about what to add. But for the first time in this potential championship run, there's nowhere else to look.
This is basically the team. This is it.
And it should be plenty. It should still be more than enough to get the job done, but it will require this team as a whole to figure themselves out this summer. They're no longer a young team. There are no more excuses.
Derrick White will be 29 as free agency gets going. Jaylen Brown will be 27 when the season starts. Robert Williams will be 26. Jayson Tatum will turn 26 and Marcus Smart will turn 30 within three days of each other right before the playoffs.
Not only is that not a young team anymore, but we’re also only a couple of years from talking about the core aging out. Add in the pressures of the new CBA and time is actually running out for this group.
They need to spend this summer doing two things. First, they need to admit their own failures. Look in the mirror and throw out the excuses. Each one of these guys needs to put their own ego aside and say “This is what I did to cost us a chance at a championship.” Everyone one of these guys needs to have that honest conversation with themselves.
Second, they need to fix those flaws. Ball handling, shooting, passing, focus … whatever it is, now’s the time to fix it. Dribble two balls everywhere. Dribble them during therapy. Dribble them while you’re getting hypnotized to believe you’re always down 3-0. Whatever needs to be done, needs to be done.
This is a championship team. They have the pieces. They have it in themselves to do this without adding anyone else to the roster.
Lone Starr saves the day after that revelation, finds out he’s a prince, and he lives happily ever after. We actually want the Celtics to be Lone Starr now. At this point in their timeline, that's actually the way we want things to go, which says a lot.
Comparing a team to a character in a Mel Brooks parody is generally not a complimentary thing (unless it’s Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles. He was just cool). But for Boston, seeing this thing through to the movie’s happy ending would fit.
Oh, and I’m just making the Sixers the Spaceballs. Bunch of bungling oafs who can’t get out of their own way with a leader who hides behind a mask of fake confidence. Maybe Boston can beat them in the conference Finals next year to complete this whole tortured theme I have going on.
